Contentment

Restless and impatient I sit in my room

Loneliness consumes every part of my mood

Searching for something to bring me some peace

Reaching towards people, possessions, and dreams

The beast has taken a hold of my heart

I can feel him ripping and tearing me apart

Bitterness and hatred eat away at my soul

I fall deeper and deeper into the disgusting dark hole

I continue to yearn for what this world holds

Deceived once again I long for control

Pursuing my passions and all my desires

Searching to quench this raging wildfire

No longer free, I return to my chains

I put them back on and forget about grace

Arrogantly I depend on my own strength

My weakness magnified more and more each day

My best effort is nothing, I fall to my knees

I drown in my depression and cry myself to sleep

Realizing finally exactly what I’ve become

A failure, alone, without anyone

As I go through my day I submit to the pain

Desperately seeking even more for my gain

It becomes my lord, my idol, my god

It relentlessly beats me ‘til I’m bloodied and raw

In the mirror I see an unfamiliar face

The image of the beast who’s taken my place

I plead for forgiveness and relief from this pain

Desperate I cry, “Lord, please break these chains”

In the midst of the battle I was fighting alone

My Savior comes forth and takes full control

I bow down to Him and surrender it all

Knowing with Him I will never fall

The prodigal’s found and healed by the Son

The war that was waged is finally won

In the eyes of my Father I’m blameless and clean

Remembered no more is my past disloyalty

 

I strip myself of my selfish desires

And humble myself to be lifted higher

I yearn for heaven to crash down to earth

For a glimpse of the Love that showed me my worth

I turn my heart, my eyes, my hands

To the heavens above where Jesus stands

At the right hand of God who is on the throne

I now know for certain this world is not my home

With foolishness gone I will wait for His call

When my Lord will triumph and reign over all

No longer rebellious I stand for His name

My life to bring Him glory, honor and praise

"I Will Choose to be a Blessing for Life"

I started this blog today. This is more for me than for anyone else. I'm just going to write about the things that God has been doing in my life!

Today I was convicted when I talked to one of the women from Calvary. She was looking for hangers that she could have in order to hang up her clothes at her house. Unfortunately I didn't have any that she could use but afterwards I made a point to go buy her some to give to her on Tuesday morning if she is at morning prayer. The Lord convicted me because I have never been in a situation in life where money is so tight that I can't even afford to buy hangers. I realized that I take so much for granted the luxury of having a stable income from my parents that sustains my family. I found out that I really don't know what a true struggle is. I have been so blessed in life. I know that God hasn't simply blessed me to bless me but rather so that I may bless others.

Right now I need to work on giving away more than keeping. I get so caught up with selfishness sometimes that I forget to see the people around me who are worse off than me and who need help. I have my own struggles believe me! But sometimes the physical struggles with money, food, clothing, housing and other things are much harder than the internal struggles with the mind. That's what I struggle with: Internal conflict.

I've been asking God for vision! Vision for the coming year at Cornerstone. Vision for the future, for my life. Through all the prayer one concept has been ever present. I want to help people and I want to have eyes to see their pain. Supernatural spiritual eyes to see pain that no one else could see if not through the Spirit of God! I want to be able to see past a smiling face and see through the masks that people put up. I want to be able to break down barriers between my brothers and sisters in Christ and I want to see the real struggles that they're going through.

I don't just want to be able to see the struggles but rather I want to be able to act on what I see. I want to be a women who can see someone who is hurting and approach them and talk to them and pray for them! I want to cast aside any fear that I might have of rejection and be able to boldly reach out to people around me! I want to love on people. Someone once told me that love is only half complete and you never experience the fullness of love until you give it away. I want to give ALL my love away. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode! Like I have so much love in my heart that if I don't give it away to SOMEONE then my heart will explode and break and it would be a disaster. So I want to selflessly give my self in all that I do, to follow hard after the Lord and to bless people ever chance I get!