Choices

God has definitely been showing me that in this life we do indeed have choices. In particular I have once again been pondering the future this time it's about my college degree and which major I should pursue. Basically, I think that I have exhausted my list of majors like four times over continually cycling through the options always thinking that the current decision was the one God wanted me to pursue. Finally I have come to realize that I could choose any of the paths and it would be the right choice. There isn't one single "right path".

I guess the way that I see it is that there are multiple paths that are right and God gives us the choice as to which one we want to follow according to His will. I know that sometimes we can stray from the will of God if we make poor decisions and fall into sin but I think that inside the will of God there are many choices that we get to have in our life. We aren't robots God gives us the choice to love Him and He gives us choices throughout our entire life on earth!

Realizing this it definitely helps me with my decision for school. I was searching for the major that God wanted me to do when the whole time He was giving me the choice! I no longer have to worry about straying from Gods path for me because I'm at a fork in the road and either path is correct. It's like walking on a trail in the mountains. When you reach a fork in the road you can choose right or left but still be on the path, but when you leave the path and go off into the brush that's when you've truly strayed. Choosing pharmacy or teaching isn't straying from the path it's simply making a decision on where I want my life to go and continuing on in the will of God.

With all of that said I feel like I've come to a decision about which major I want to pursue in college: Math/Education double degree. I want to be a high school math teacher! For a long time I have wanted to be a high school math teacher, I love algebra, but I never really thought of it as anything I would really want to do, but I really do! My mother told me, wisely I might add, that I should just choose a major and stick with it. Constant flip flopping around is just a waste of money and time. Well I think I've made my decision. Teaching math seems like a good idea to me and I already have a lot of the lower division curriculum completed. If I take on math 253 course this spring I will be all set to start up my second year in the fall. It seems like perfect timing to me! I think I just might go for it!

Oh, also! I've been thinking about participating in a study abroad program with my college and have seriously been looking at going to Australia for a year!... We shall see how those events unfold.

UPDATE: Not gonna be a math teacher... on to Physics and Education!... oh boy...

Wedding Musings

I'm just extremely excited and proud to say that I get to be the Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding! You cannot imagine how excited I was when she told me that her boyfriend proposed to her!! I guess girls live their lives waiting for that moment when a man expresses his devotion to you by asking for your hand in marriage. I have always dreamed about that day, some people just get there a lot faster than others!

I am so excited for them! I just can't believe that my best friend is GETTING MARRIED! It seems so unreal because I feel like only yesterday we were day dreaming about the future and getting married and now the future is here! I didn't think it would come so fast!! But it did, and I am glad! They are perfect for each other and even before Matt asked for her hand in marriage I knew that they would get married. It's one of those feelings in the pit of your stomach that could maybe not be true but you know that deep, deep down inside it is 100% true. Well that feeling was correct because about a month and a half after I had it Matt proposed so there you go!

Now the preparation for the wedding begins! I can't wait until Becca is done with her term in college and she comes back home and we can do the full on planning! I am so excited for the day I can hardly contain it and I know that the feelings will only get stronger and stronger as the day approaches! I can't even begin to imagine the joy that she must be feeling and even the fear too because now she is going to be an adult! A full blown adult!

That's something I never thought would actually truly come either. I feel like you always looking towards your future but it always surprises you when you realize that the future you had been looking towards is actually the present! I'm an adult but Im still under the care of my parents so I not a real adult yet. I think that you become a real adult when you are finally 100% on your own making your own living and living your own life without your parents constant supervision. I haven't reached that place quite yet but it is coming soon.

Here are some of Matt and Becca's engagement photos taken by Christopher Ryan Photography:

 Becca is so incredibly Beautiful it is not even funny!

 

Thinking about the future and seeing how close it really is sometimes makes me excited for when it is my turn to take the leap. I know that some people become real adults while they're single and they stay single adults for a really long time until they finally find their "knight in shining armor". I can honestly say that I really hope that isn't me, but I have come to accept that it could be me. But I still hope it isn't.

But you see that is a good place to be: Content. Paul wrote, "...I I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Phillipians 4:11-13). Paul wrote these words while he was in prison and it is so powerful to know that he found what it was to be content in all situations and continue to live for the Lord. I think that I need to work better at staying content where the Lord has me, which right now is being single, because He has me here for a reason. So often I find that I search for the things that I think will make me happy and fulfill all the desires of my heart but really the only one who can do that is God. He created us with emptiness inside that can only be filled by Him and it's pointless for us to search out other things to fill that void. For a time those things we reach for are pleasurable but in the end they leave us empty. Contentment and true joy and happiness only comes from God.

So I guess that's where my musings come full circle. While I could turn the joy of Becca getting married into a pity party for myself I wont. I think that it is disrespectful to God when we complain about the place that He has us in life. He knows what's best for us and all the things that He puts us through, all the time He has us wait, it's all for a reason. And He loves us more than anyone else in the entire UNIVERSE! He only wants to love us and bless us and sometimes we can't see the blessing of things until we are looking back at them. Only then do we realize exactly what God had been doing through that time and we rejoice for all that He accomplished!

I am so amazed by God and the great things that He has been doing in my life. He has been creating in me a heart of complete and total surrender. For so long I held onto things that I thought would make my life happy. I distrusted God by holding onto those things and trying to work them out on my own when the whole time He was waiting for me to give them to Him so that He could work in my life. I was hindering the things that God wanted to do in my life and only when I cried out to Him for help, only when I got to the end of myself and didn't know how to continue on in my own wisdom did God shed light on the situation and release me from the things that were holding me back.

A band called Run Kid Run has a song titled "Freedom" and the lyrics say: All my chains I can't disengage no longer bound but here I stay. I scream "Father, please! I need rescuing! I need You and You alone" those lyrics are so powerful because that was my life. I was still living bound by chains that really had no control over me but I returned to them and allowed them to hold me back all the while being freed from them because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I feel like so often we can continue to be controlled by fleshly desires and sin even though we have complete forgiveness and relief from it!

It's so wonderful though that God is always waiting patiently for us no matter how many times we stray away from Him! I can't even begin to comprehend that! I think of how many times I've rejected God, not really intentionally but it is rejection none-the-less, but God waits for us and He loves to bless us all the time! He wants to bless us! He doesn't need us, but He wants us! That is something to dwell on always! God is so wonderful and His love is like no other love on this earth! Just thinking about that makes it easy, easy, easy to sit here single and be happy, be content, and be completely in love with Him.

Praise!

I just want to say that I love how God prepares us for things before they happen! That has always been something that I really appreciate and I love that God loves us enough to equip us for the things that He is going to put us through. One of my favorites quotes is, "God wont bring us to something He can't carry us through"

This weekend was really tough for me with just thoughts and stuff and at the time I could not see how any of it could be good I just had to tell myself that it was going to be okay and that God had a reason for all the things He does. Then, hindsight being 20/20, I realized why God put me through it! It is so true that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) because something happened today and because God had prepared my heart beforehand I was able to accept it without being hurt! I realized that the small amount of pain I had experienced this weekend was only so that I would be saved from excruciating heartache today and now I still have hope where, if God hadn't prepared my heart, I would have been left hopeless and heart broken. God is good!

So often when we're going through something hard it's easy to curse God for it or question why it is happening but God's thoughts are not our thoughts nor are His ways our ways and so we can't always see why He does things but I can say that Im glad He does things the way He does because my life would suck without Him! He prepares us and I am so glad for that!

Missions

I have always had a heart for international travel. I love experiencing new cultures and I really enjoy visiting new places. Sometimes I fear that I am far too sheltered in the life that I live right now and I am completely ignorant to the pain and suffering throughout the world. I want to touch the lives of people in this world and shine the light of Jesus to all people and all nations!

I talked with a friend the other day about my future and about ministry and missions work overseas and it really got me to thinking about what I'm going to do with my life. I've always loved the thought of traveling to different countries I but for me it has always been short term like a month here and there. But now I feel like God is calling me to the mission field long term! This is an extremely scary thing for me to think about because I am a total family person and hate the thought of being so far away from my family for such a long time but God has really worked on my heart!

I love how God understands that we are human and therefore he works with us where we are at. He knows that we fear even though He tells us not to, but even when we do He is there to comfort us and reassure us, and that is amazing! God has really been softening my heart towards long term missions to the point where I am ready to go wherever He sends me! I can even envision myself raising a family on foreign soil which wasn't really something that I envisioned before now so that is cool! I don't know when I will go or who I will go with or even if I will be alone.

I guess for me another scary thing is that I am super desiring a husband and a family of my own and it scares me to go out onto the mission field because I think that then it will be impossible for me to meet someone which is so not true! Another thing is that I hold onto the people who are here in Corvallis and I think that my absence will destroy all of the relationships I have created here which is also a total lie that needs to be debunked ASAP! I guess the thing I keep coming back to that totally soothes me is that if I remain in God's will for my life then I don't have to fear anything because I'm right where God wants me. And God knows the things that our hearts desire and He's even put them there for a reason and so I just need to have faith that God will give me the desires of my heart even if it's not necessarily the way that I envision it in my mind.

So basically I think that I'm supposed to teach English in an Asian country which is really exciting but I don't really know where to go from here. Now I need to figure out preparation to get to the point where I can go overseas and teach! I don't think I will be going next year but sometime soon! I definitely need the preparation period before I head out which is totally fine it's just tough to figure out how to prepare and everything! It's also scary because that means that the future is that much closer because I will be totally on my own in a completely different country! Ah! Scary but exciting at the same time. It will be awesome to see what God does in these next few months/years!

I think the only thing that I really hope I get is a companion to go with me! God has brought me to a point where I am willing to go alone if I need to but I really don't want to. I don't know if it's me just being a super baby about it but I just don't want to be lonely, so I ask for a companion and I really do think that God will raise one up for me. One thing that I can testify to is that God has always been faithful to raise up at least one good, close friend for me whenever I step out in faith alone to do things for Him and I believe He will continue to do it!... It makes me slightly impatient for a husband though because then I will have a companion for life! That will be awesome! :)

Complete and Total Surrender

One thing that I really felt God impressing upon my heart was Philippians 3:7-11 “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”

Friday, October 16th, I felt being called to surrender something to God but somehow I’d gotten to a place where I was not willing to do that. I knew that God was telling me to release it to Him but I couldn’t. My mind knew I needed to release it to God but my heart wouldn’t let it go. Last week was all about God bringing me to full surrender.

I was super convicted because I didn’t really think that I had been counting everything else as loss compared to Christ and I really desired to! I wanted so badly to be able to say, “okay Lord You are enough for me and if I have nothing else in the world, knowing I have You will satisfy me and I’m okay with that.” I wanted to be able to look at all other things in the world as rubbish compared to Christ! I wanted to be a true knower and lover of Christ completely surrendered and willing to go wherever or do whatever God asked of me.

I can declare right now that God does indeed answered the prayers of a willing heart. Through conviction during class on Tuesday, more conviction on Wednesday, and the implanting of the unquenchable desire to know God first and foremost in my life on Thursday I was able to completely surrender that one thing to God that only days before I had been holding so tightly to and unable to give up!

God showed me that I was still living partially for my own kingdom and not fully sold out to Him and His Kingdom. I realized that even after I gave my life to Christ one and a half years ago I was still unintentionally living my life like this was all that there was. I was living like it was more important to pursue my own happiness and pleasures over God. I had the mindset of, well this world is quickly passing I better make good of the time that I have here while I try to live for God. I didn’t mean to, and I was unaware of it really until it was brought to light this past week and a half but God broke me of that!

Now I have a freedom that I didn’t have before. I feel like I am able to focus my heart and mind on God and not worry about anything else but His plan for my life. Before I hadn’t been trusting Him with the things I so deeply desired and that’s why I wasn’t giving them up. Now I can trust completely in Him and know that whatever this life brings at me He will always be there. I remember listening to Ben's, a man in my class, testimony and he shared that there was nothing in this world that he held onto, that if he died the next day that would be good. I realized I desired that mindset because I had been living life clinging to the things I wanted in my future and so I was at a point where I don’t know if I would have been okay to die the next day. Now I realize I need to live for this day and look for ways that God wants to move today and not in one week, one month, or one year from now! I had to realize that anything God gives me in this world is a blessing but its not a guarantee and I shouldn’t demand to have it and I need to live with the knowledge that my days are numbered and I have a cause that is greater than myself that I need to be living for! I have had a big transformation of priorities and God is back on the throne of my heart! It feels good!

Multi-Tasking

Right now I am multi-tasking. I am cooking chicken while writing this blog so hopefully all turns out well!

Recently I've been on a "housewife" stint in other words I have been really into cooking and cleaning and doing stuff that a wife/mother would do. Every time I do those type of activities I like to think about my future. How can you not? I can't wait to be married and have a family and be a mother! To see all of my friends with families and do family things together! Oh how wonderful! The desire is almost unbearable sometimes but alas I know that I must wait patiently for those things. In time God will provide all those things for me according to His will.

One song that has really ministered to my heart is "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I feel that this song relates to my life so much. Especially relationally. Waiting for God to bring me a man to love I have struggled quite a bit. It's always hard to wait for things and sometimes painful too which is why I love this song's lyrics which say, "I'm waiting on You Lord and I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord though it is painful but patiently I will wait... While I'm waiting I will serve You, while I'm waiting I will worship, while I'm waiting I will not faint I'll be running the race even while I wait."

I couldn't sleep one night so I turned on my radio and that is when I first heard this song! I was so amazed with how much it related to my life and how it is true that sometimes God makes us wait for things and even when it is painful we can be hopeful and patient. I especially love the chorus which says that while I'm waiting I will serve You, and worship You because that is exactly what we are called to do. I admit that sometimes when I'm waiting for God to move I don't want to worship Him. My selfish desires get the best of me and I begin to doubt God. I covet what other people have and shamefully curse God in my mind by thinking that what He has given me isn't enough. But simply hearing those lyrics I know that they are true. Even when God doesn't give us what we think we need we need to serve Him and worship Him because He is holy and just and righteous! He deserves  our worship. And our true love for Him and devotion and faith in Him is seen clearly when we are able to worship and serve Him even when we don't get what we want. Even when life is hard. Even when we are faced with trials daily. The Spirit of God gives us the power to do all of these things!



 Lately I have been really interested in doing photography! I have decided to pursue this desire and am currently working on obtaining a camera in order to practice my photography skills. I have made a "pact" (for lack of better word) with myself that I want to start taking lots of pictures of my life to capture events and put them into scrapbooks or simply a photo album! I also hope to post a lot of them on my blog!

I want to photograph couples. Thats what I really want to do! I love looking at couple photos from really good photographers! I just love them! I have so many ideas in my head of poses and I strongly desire to put them to practice and capture the love between two people! First though I need to get my bearings and learn how to use the camera in order to take creative and awesome photographs! Then I will be able to begin my real photographing! One thing that I hope to achieve with my photography is capturing true beauty. Not the photoshop equivalent of beauty but true beauty they way that God sees us.

I am also really excited for this upcoming school year! I believe that it will be a mighty powerful year where God will be glorified and Heaven will be brought down to this earth through the saints! I am going to be getting involved with Real Life (Calvary Chapel Corvallis's college ministry), the Calvary Children's Ministry teaching 5 year-olds, and Cornerstone School of Ministry. I know that God is going to mature me in so many ways and I am really excited to see what He will do!

I must admit that I am a little bit nervous about this year though because I know that God is going to move and that sometimes I will be very timid or nervous or scared to do the things that God will call me to do. No one likes to overcome fears because its scary! That's why we fear them! But I know that fear is not of the Lord so through persistent prayer I know that I will be able to master my fear! I'm also nervous about teaching the 5-year-olds because I have never taught children before! Scary! But one of the things I've been praying about for this upcoming year is that I can know God more and that He can mature me in my faith and grow in me the ability to teach children about Him! I want to be equipped to teach my own kids that, God willing, I will have in the future. That's one of the reasons why I decided to do School of Ministry this year and so I know that God presented the opportunity for me to teach the 5-year-olds this year as an answered prayer to give me practical application and experience teaching young children.

Last night I read 1 John 2:10 "Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." This verse really caught my eye because first of all it deals with loving one another. It says that whoever loves his brother lives in the light, that he is of God. the part of the verse that really stuck out to me though what the second part that says there is nothing in him to make him stumble. Applying this verse to my life I can totally see the truth of it. This summer I struggled with hatred towards one of my brothers in Christ. Because I was harboring hatred and unforgiveness towards him I was allowing the enemy to enter into my heart and slowly destroy me. Because I was not loving my brother I was creating a stumbling block for myself. I just wanted to speak of that because it was an "ah ha!" moment when once again it was confirmed that my displeasure and discontentment at the beginning of the summer was because of my unforgiveness which also confirms that once I forgave in my heart my spirits were lifted and I experienced an amazing supernatural contentment! Praise God!

Here is a tiny glimpse of what my new room will look like:

I love that it has purple walls! Well only two of the walls are purple the other two are white but it is still going to be awesome! Oh and the carpets are NOT going to be red by the end of the remodeling so it wont look quite as tacky! I love this picture because it is just so random. I dont know if any of the furniture matches one another but its a unique chaos so I took a photo of it!

I guess as a closing comment I just want to mention that tomorrow is my official last full day of work for the summer! Yay! Then on to bigger and better things! hahaha No I have to admit that my job is a good job and I am quite thankful for it but I am not sad to be done with yet another summer of feeding fish! :)

Contentment

Restless and impatient I sit in my room

Loneliness consumes every part of my mood

Searching for something to bring me some peace

Reaching towards people, possessions, and dreams

The beast has taken a hold of my heart

I can feel him ripping and tearing me apart

Bitterness and hatred eat away at my soul

I fall deeper and deeper into the disgusting dark hole

I continue to yearn for what this world holds

Deceived once again I long for control

Pursuing my passions and all my desires

Searching to quench this raging wildfire

No longer free, I return to my chains

I put them back on and forget about grace

Arrogantly I depend on my own strength

My weakness magnified more and more each day

My best effort is nothing, I fall to my knees

I drown in my depression and cry myself to sleep

Realizing finally exactly what I’ve become

A failure, alone, without anyone

As I go through my day I submit to the pain

Desperately seeking even more for my gain

It becomes my lord, my idol, my god

It relentlessly beats me ‘til I’m bloodied and raw

In the mirror I see an unfamiliar face

The image of the beast who’s taken my place

I plead for forgiveness and relief from this pain

Desperate I cry, “Lord, please break these chains”

In the midst of the battle I was fighting alone

My Savior comes forth and takes full control

I bow down to Him and surrender it all

Knowing with Him I will never fall

The prodigal’s found and healed by the Son

The war that was waged is finally won

In the eyes of my Father I’m blameless and clean

Remembered no more is my past disloyalty

 

I strip myself of my selfish desires

And humble myself to be lifted higher

I yearn for heaven to crash down to earth

For a glimpse of the Love that showed me my worth

I turn my heart, my eyes, my hands

To the heavens above where Jesus stands

At the right hand of God who is on the throne

I now know for certain this world is not my home

With foolishness gone I will wait for His call

When my Lord will triumph and reign over all

No longer rebellious I stand for His name

My life to bring Him glory, honor and praise

"I Will Choose to be a Blessing for Life"

I started this blog today. This is more for me than for anyone else. I'm just going to write about the things that God has been doing in my life!

Today I was convicted when I talked to one of the women from Calvary. She was looking for hangers that she could have in order to hang up her clothes at her house. Unfortunately I didn't have any that she could use but afterwards I made a point to go buy her some to give to her on Tuesday morning if she is at morning prayer. The Lord convicted me because I have never been in a situation in life where money is so tight that I can't even afford to buy hangers. I realized that I take so much for granted the luxury of having a stable income from my parents that sustains my family. I found out that I really don't know what a true struggle is. I have been so blessed in life. I know that God hasn't simply blessed me to bless me but rather so that I may bless others.

Right now I need to work on giving away more than keeping. I get so caught up with selfishness sometimes that I forget to see the people around me who are worse off than me and who need help. I have my own struggles believe me! But sometimes the physical struggles with money, food, clothing, housing and other things are much harder than the internal struggles with the mind. That's what I struggle with: Internal conflict.

I've been asking God for vision! Vision for the coming year at Cornerstone. Vision for the future, for my life. Through all the prayer one concept has been ever present. I want to help people and I want to have eyes to see their pain. Supernatural spiritual eyes to see pain that no one else could see if not through the Spirit of God! I want to be able to see past a smiling face and see through the masks that people put up. I want to be able to break down barriers between my brothers and sisters in Christ and I want to see the real struggles that they're going through.

I don't just want to be able to see the struggles but rather I want to be able to act on what I see. I want to be a women who can see someone who is hurting and approach them and talk to them and pray for them! I want to cast aside any fear that I might have of rejection and be able to boldly reach out to people around me! I want to love on people. Someone once told me that love is only half complete and you never experience the fullness of love until you give it away. I want to give ALL my love away. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode! Like I have so much love in my heart that if I don't give it away to SOMEONE then my heart will explode and break and it would be a disaster. So I want to selflessly give my self in all that I do, to follow hard after the Lord and to bless people ever chance I get!